Lesson One 1 2 3 4 5
The Challenges of Working with Birth Families
“I sometimes wish I was with my real mom. But I would miss you, too."
From “Annie, One of the Lucky Ones.” Ultimate Challenge Series, 1990
Many resource parents have strong feelings about birth parents. Before we go farther in the course, let’s explore these feelings.
What are your concerns about working with a birth parent? In your learning journal, write three (3) of your concerns about contact with the birth parents. Then write three (3) benefits if foster families and birth families can work together.
BENEFITS IF I CAN WORK TOGETHER WITH THE BIRTH PARENT:
1.
2.
3.
CONCERNS I HAVE ABOUT CONTACT WITH THE BIRTH PARENT:
1.
2.
3.
Resource families might have many concerns about birth parents.
What were your concerns? Yours might have included:
- Concern that contact might hurt the child
- Concern that contact is too hard on the child
- Concern about personal safety of family members
- Dislike for what the parents did
- Concern that the child won’t attach to foster family if birth family is allowed
- Not wanting to associate with “the kind of people who hurt children”
Your concerns are important. It is always important that we keep the safety of children and the safety of our resource families foremost in our decisions.
Birth parents may also have strong feelings toward resource families.
Birth parents are initially angry or deny that anything is wrong. They may be in shock or be embarrassed. They may feel they are being judged. The Office of Children's Services works with birth parents to help them take responsibility for their actions and to become motivated to make the needed changes for their home to be safe enough to return the children. Parents will sometimes will be angry at foster parents because they are part of the system. They may be jealous and angry with you for having their child in your home while they have been judged unfit. .
It might seem unfair that birth parents are angry with you for taking care of their child. But birth parents struggle with many different issues that cause them not to have very good coping or problem solving skills.
Don't take these feelings personally! Think of it as a process. Where someone starts is not where they always end up. If birth parents can work through their strong feelings, and resource families can be supportive, the resource family may become a source of parenting information and a possible support after children have returned home. Birth families and foster families working together make it better for the child.
There are many benefits of resource families and birth families working together.
We wouldn't encourage children to keep connections with their birth families if there weren't advantages and benefits to the child. In the exercise, what did you list as some of the possible benefits? Compare them with the list below:
- Child’s anxiety about separation is reduced
- Continuity can be maintained for child
- Reduces problems with dividend loyalties
- Smoother visitation and more successful reunification
- Birth parents are less threatened by resource family
- Birth parents can learn constructive parenting from caregivers
- Caregiving family may become support system for birth parent
- Caregiving family can get complete and accurate information about the child
- Simplifies planning for visitation
- Caregiver can learn culturally-specific child care strategies from birth family members, can enhance child’s cultural identity
Children do best when resource families and birth families work together in a cooperative, non-blaming way. Children do best when adults can communicate openly and solve problems together.
As one foster father said during an Anchorage CORE Training for Resource Families, “We have found that the best thing that we can do for the children in our home is to be kind to their parents.”
OCS has developed a publication to share with parents whose children are in OCS custody emphasizing the importance of focusing on what's best for children. You will find an abbreviated version of this publication at : http://hss.state.ak.us/ocs/Publications/ParentInfo.htm