Copyright by the Alaska Center for Resource Families, 2006
Children will have many different emotions about visits, from anxious excitement, to nervous anxiety, to not wanting to go at all.
Your reaction will be important. Adults need to help children have the best visit they can. Your support of the visit and of the child's relationship to his parent or relative is critical. To prepare a child for a visit, first prepare yourself. Watch your words and your body language.
Here are some suggestions for helping visits be more successful and go more smoothly.
1. Foster parents are usually asked to transport a child to a visit. Know when the visits are and where they will be. Be on time so parents get the full opportunity to be with their children.
2. Bring something for the child and parent to do together (such as a book, a puzzle or a game) in case the parent hasn't prepared or toys aren't available. One foster parent brought materials for the parent and child to make a page for a life book, and brought a disposable camera for the two to take pictures together.
3. Begin the session by sharing something the child has said or done. Help the child make a picture to bring to the parent or share a school project. Prompt the child to share a story with the birth parent. Think about keeping the parent engaged in the day-to-day activities of a child.
3. Give your input to the social worker about what works best for your family and what works best for a child. Children might be cranky before a nap or mealtime, or you may have other appointments for the child. Try to be flexible and work with the parent's schedule, but work with the caseworker to find out what works best for everyone.
4. Younger children may need more visits because of their age, so if you are taking younger children, be prepared for more frequent visits.
5. Be mindful of the "handoff." That's the moment when you drop off the child or when you meet the birth parent. Greet the parent kindly and don't ignore him or her. Remember the child is watching how you treat his parent. Stay nonjudgemental.
6. Most children do best with regular visits and a chance to look forward and prepare for a visit. But in some situations, children do better if they don't have too much warning about a visit. This is especially important if children are young, tend to obsess or perseverate, or if parents have a pattern of not showing up for visits. Discuss with your caseworker what is going to be best for the child in your care.
7. Know that sometimes visits don't go well. Birth parents may be distant, using substances, or say things that hurt a child. Birth parents may come across as critical of the care the child is receiving. The role of the resource parent is not to make things worse, to try not to take things personally, and to attend to the needs and the feelings of the child. Document and talk to the social worker about both the positive and negative interactions you observe between the parent and yourself and the child.
The State of Alaska provides guidelines for resource families regarding visitation. The following is summarized from the Alaska Resource Family Handbook published by the State of Alaska Department of Health and Social Services Office of Children's Services .
Reunification is usually the first goal for families, but keeping children safe is the overall concern. There are guidelines that promote contact but also provide limits for the safety of the child. Remember the case plan? The case plan clarifies what kind of contact is going to be allowed. So visits are allowed, but there are limits and guidelines on the kind and frequency of contact that is allowed. As a resource parents, you need to know what the visitation and contact schedule is and what the social worker expects of you.
The Office of Children’s Services (OCS) Must Allow Reasonable VisitationOCS is required to provide reasonable visitation between the child and his parents and family members. “Reasonable” visitation is determined by quality of the relationship between a child and the family member. OCS may deny visitation to parents or family members if there is clear and convincing evidence that visits are not in the best interests of the child.
Visits are determined by the social worker and possibly the courts. Visits are important because they help keep children and parents connected, and keep parent motivated to follow through on making the necessary changes.
The social worker should discuss the visitation plan with you once it is determined. It is best to get it in writing and get any change in the visitation plan confirmed in writing by the placement worker. Visits and contact will fluctuate throughout the placement, usually increasing as reunification gets closer.
The Visitation Plan Clearly Defines Who Has Contact with a Child
The visitation plan defines who has contact with a child. But sometimes, resource parents will discover someone important to the child who is not known by the social worker . Because we want to keep children connected to their extended families as well, resource parents can ask children who they might want to see or who they are connected with. Then discuss the matter with the social worker. If a relative or friend contacts you directly about visitation with the child, refer the person to the social workers. Do not permit the child to visit with the individual without OCS approval.
If a child has brothers or sisters in other foster homes, talk to the placement worker about the possibility of the siblings being allowed to visit one another. Often times, with the permission of the social worker, sibling visits can be arranged through foster families arranging the visits. Children are often are very close to their siblings and may miss or worry about brothers and sisters. Even if children are not able to reunify with their parents, sibling ties should be maintained.
You should receive reasonable notice of a planned visit. If you have any concerns about a child’s visit with a relative or friend, you should discuss it with your placement worker. You should also be clear about what kind of telephone contact is allowed between parent and child, or other relatives and the child (i.e. grandparents, aunts and uncles).
Some Visits Are Supervised, Some Are Not
Visits may take place at OCS, the parent’s home, a public place, or the foster parent’s home with the permission of the foster parent. Some visits or phone contact may require supervision, meaning that a designated person needs to be present when the child visits the parents. This person may be a third party or the foster parent if the foster parent agrees.
Some communities, such as Anchorage and Mat Su, have supervised visitation programs, which involve a contract with an agency to monitor and supervise visits. Sometimes a social worker or social services associate will supervise a visit at the OCS office. Sometimes, you might be asked to supervise a visit. You may or may feel comfortable doing this. Discuss this thoroughly with your worker and make sure that you understand what the expectations are. The social worker should also discuss the expectations with the birth parent as well. Supervising visits may put you in a difficult position so make sure you and your social worker talk about what it means to supervise a visit and that you are comfortable accepting that responsibility.
To review what you learned about visitation on the previous page, take this quiz. Click the appropriate answer of whether the sentence is true or false. Then compare your answers with the correct answers given below.
| 1. Resource parents are expected to support a child’s contact with a birth family especially when the plan for the child is reunification |
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| 2. It is okay for resource families to arrange visits for a child with relatives without expressed permission of the social worker as long as that relative is not the one who abused or neglected that child. |
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| 3. Foster families can decide not to take a child on a visit if the child does not want to go. |
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| 4. Resource families are not required to give out their home phone number to birth parents.. |
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| 5. If a child is showing increased behavior problems immediately before or after a visit, it is a clear indication that visits should stop immediately. |
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| 6. If a parent has been drinking, the resource family can refuse to allow a child to leave with the parent. |
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| 7. Birth parents must be notified in advance if vacations are going to interfere with court ordered visits. |
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| 8. If a birth parent calls at night and the child is already in bed, a foster parent must wake up the child to talk to the parent. |
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1.TRUE. Resource parents are expected to support a child’s contact with a birth family. When the plan is reunification, visitation is the best predictor of how successful and motivated birth parents are. Visitation also allows a child to keep a connection with his birth parent.
2. FALSE. It is not okay for resource families to arrange visits for a child without expressed permission of the social worker. Talk to your social worker before arranging visits to determine who is not allowed contact with a child and who is allowed contact.
3. FALSE. Visits are required by Alaska Law unless there is a court order not to have visits. Foster parents cannot make that decision on their own.
4. TRUE. Resource families need to give permission before their home phone number is given out. Sometimes, however, relatives may already have your phone number and sometimes children themselves give out the number. But social workers cannont give it out without your permission.
5. FALSE. Visits can be emotional, so a resource parent should expect a child to show some upset behavior, some anxiety, and trouble "settling down" after visit. It does not mean visits should stop. If behavior becomes extreme, takes several days to go away, or increases self destructive behavior in a child, then you need to discuss the situation with your child's social worker.
6. TRUE. Safety always comes first for children. The social worker needs to discuss rules of visitation with a birth parent before visits. If a parent has been drinking or under the influence of drugs, the resource family can refuse to allow a child to leave with the parent. If a parent becomes belligerent, or threatening, the resource parent can contact the authorities or police.
7. TRUE. Birth parents retain some rights and must be notified if something, like a vacation or trip, might interfere with court ordered visits.
8. FALSE. Contact is encourage between child and birth parent but it must follow the guidelines set up in the case plan. If a birth parent calls at an inappropriate hour, calls constantly or contacts a child outside of the guidelines in the caseplan, the resource parent can limit those calls. It is also best to notify the social worker.
Visits with parents often make the resource family’s job more challenging. Children can be harder to care for after these contacts. Sometimes parents often give false hopes of going home. When children arrive back at the foster home, they might regress in their behaviors, such as eating with their fingers, sleep difficulties, wetting the bed, and wetting their pants. Resource parents may feel resentment towards the birth parents for giving children false hopes. Resource parents may wonder why they have to deal with all the behaviors when they didn’t cause them in the first place.
Daily care of children is one of the most exasperating and difficult jobs in the world and it can be difficult if birth parents openly or subtly criticize the foster family during a visit. The birth parent might question how child is being cared for or comment about the clothing they are wearing, the hair style, or school work. The foster child may come home from a visit and say, “I don’t have to listen to you. You are stupid!” It is a natural reaction for the foster parent to lash back, “Look who is taking care of you!”
STOP, and think about it! You may not feel good about comments from a birth parent, but it may help if you stop and consider what it must be like for the birth parents. Imagine having all your weaknesses out for all the public to see. Imagine what it is like for people to know that you couldn’t take care of your children’s basic needs and your children had to be placed in a foster home. What would that feel like?
It is important that you give birth parents the respect due them. They are human beings who are struggling with problems. The parents are so preoccupied with their own problems that they are unable to be good parents. As a foster parent, your job is to help the children in your home handle their feelings. Foster parents can help children understand and work out their problems, so we can help to break the cycle. Focusing on the child’s needs (and not your own feelings) can help you support a child after a visit.
If birth parents make promises that they do not keep, you should never remind the children that their parents continually break their promises. As a resource parent, your job is to allow children to talk about these things -- not to throw in your comments about how you feel about them. Children need to know that it is okay to love their parents even when those parents do not seem to be doing what is right. They also need to feel free to express their anger and feelings of unfairness toward those parents without feeling they have betrayed their parents.
Accepting a child’s birth parents as human beings who are struggling also shows that you are accept the children when they are struggling with feelings and problems. With love, with patience, with understanding, we can help the children be more successful in their struggles. Children then will develop a better sense of self. If we help them accept themselves, we will have given the greatest of gifts.
Sometimes children come home mad at their parents and start taking it out on others such as your pets, household items, and even themselves. How can we help children work out their relationship with their parents? One way to help is to allow them to talk freely. We can allow reasonable visiting, letter writing, and telephone contact with the social worker approval. I have found if I allow more contact between visits, the behavior seem to decrease. Letters always seemed to be a good way to say things that they wouldn’t say face-to-face or on the telephone.
Allow children to possess things from their birth family’s home, such as pictures of their birth parents or mementos given to them. Remind children when their parents’ birthdays come around and help them send cards. Most of all, accept a child’s mixed feelings as natural and allow children to look to you for their daily comfort. Making the child’s life as normal as possible in every day events is important. I feel in general that the more normal you can make a child’s life in your home, the easier everything goes. This includes the time after visits. Establishing a good relationship with a child is crucial, so begin with helping a child learn to trust you.
I have found I need to change my expectations and remember how I feel when I leave my parents after a visit. I often want to cry and I may not be able to sleep since I don’t know when I will see my family again. I know I often just want to be left alone or be held. I think after a visit with family, you are often exhausted from all of the excitement. Both children and adults are more emotional when they are tired. And when a foster parent doesn’t know how to deal with a behavior, they may unknowingly escalate it.
I am not saying that you should let children’s behaviors slide after a visit. If they urinate on the floor, they should clean it up. If they regress and start eating with their fingers, they should be reminded that we eat with our utensils. But I do want to say that you need to have some extra time after visits to spend time reading a book, cuddling or just being available to chat a little longer than normal.
IN YOUR LEARNING JOURNAL, ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTIONS:
1. Do you agree with the author? Why or why not?
2. What is one thing that you learned from this article that you can use in your own home?
Visitation can be very emotional. As parents are healing, they still need to learn skills to be good parents. Sometimes the problems in visitation can irritate and upset resource families. The following exercise lets you practice ways to deal with problem situations.
INSTRUCTIONS: Read the situations below and think about what you might do in each situation. To learn the most from this exercise, read the situation and in the text box under each question, enter at least two suggestions of how you might deal with the situation.
SITUATION #1: What if the birth parents of your child often miss visits and your child is very disappointed? He cries, yells and throws a tantrum. What are two things you might do in this situation? (ENTER YOUR ANSWERS INTO THE SPACE BELOW.)
SITUATION #2: What if you don’t like the birth parent or have strong feelings about him or her? What might be your strategy in this situation?
SITUATION #3: What if phone calls, emails or letters from a birth parent are inappropriate or misleading? The parent is using bad language or is making promises that he or she can't keep? What should you do in a situation like this? What is your role as a resource family?
SITUTATION #4: What if visits are uncomfortable for a child because his birth parents ignore him or just don’t know what to do with him? What might you do to help a family have a better, more constructive visit?
SITUATION #5: What if the child just doesn’t want to see the family and doesn’t want to go on the visit? What would be your role in this situation? What would you say to a child?
SITUATION #6: What if a child is upset at the end of the visit and doesn't want the birth family to leave? What would be your role in this situation? What would you do?
How did you do on the exercise on the page before? Below are some suggestions from foster parents and professionals about what you might do. Compare your ideas with the ones below.
SITUATION #1: What if the birth parents of your child often misses a visit and your child is very disappointed? He's crying, yelling and throwing a tantrum.
SITUATION #2: What if you don’t like the birth parent or have strong feelings about them?
SITUATION #3: What if phone calls, emails or letters from a birth parent are inappropriate or misleading? The parent is using bad language or is making promises that he or she can't keep?
SITUTATION #4: What if visits are uncomfortable for a child because his birth parents ignore him or just don’t know what to do with him?
SITUATION #5: What if the child just doesn’t want to see the family and doesn’t want to go on the visit?
SITUATION #6: What if a child is upset at the end of the visit and doesn't want the birth family to leave?
Connection to family is an important part of a child's sense of identity and well being. Children in unrelated foster care placement are particularly challenged because they are separated from family. Children in kinship care are in familar surrounding, but the relationships and the roles have changed.
Resource families are asked not only to nurture and tend to the needs of children, but also to the child's relationships. This may include helping children understand what has happened to them. It may include supporting the contact and visitation specified in the case plan. It may include developing a lifebook so that a child's history is preserved.
Connections, like roots, help us grow and be healthy. This self-study ends with the words of author Sally E. Palmer from her book Maintaining Family Ties: Inclusive Practice in Foster Care:
"Foster care is usually provided by altruistic, family orientated people who open their homes to children and adolescents in need. Foster care is limited, however, by its exclusion of families... Its strengths and potential lie in the changing attitudes of foster carerers, who increasingly view themselves as providing special treatment to children rather than replacing their families."
If you are a licensed resource family in Alaska and wish to earn 3.0 hours toward your foster parent training requirement, please read instructions below.
NOTE: This course is designed to help Alaskan resource families earn training credit for completing online training. It has not been approved by other states to meet foster parent training requirements. At this time, ACRF does not certify or keep track of training requirements for foster parents outside of the State of Alaska Only resource families in Alaskan will receive registered credit for completing the questionnaire.
You have now completed the Course: From One Family to Another: Keeping Children Connected To Their Family. For Alaskan licensed foster parents who wish to apply this training toward their foster parent training requirement, please fill out the questionnaire in this unit. It will check your understanding of the material provided in this course. If you answer 80% of the questions correctly, you will earn 3.0 hours toward your foster parent training requirement.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR COMPLETING QUESTIONNAIRE:
1. Click the BEGIN QUESTIONNAIRE button below to begin questionnaire.
2. Complete the blanks with your name, address, foster care license provider number, and e-mail address. This will allow us to credit your foster parent training hours and send confirmation by email.
3. Follow the instructions and complete the online questionnaire, answering according to the material you learned in the course.
4. After you have answered all the questions, please submit your completed questionnaire to the Alaska Center for Resource Families, by pressing the "submit button" at the end of this questionnaire. Please make a copy of your questionnaire upon completion and before clicking the SUBMIT button. The SUBMIT function does not work with all browsers.
5. If you have questions or concerns about this self-study course, please call us on our toll-free line 1-800-478-7307. If you are calling from the local Fairbanks/North Pole area dial: 479-7307.